Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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