thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
