Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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