The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
