Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
