I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
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i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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