you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
