I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
