capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
