Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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