I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
