evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
