Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
