Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
