life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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