Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
