I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
