He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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