Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
