then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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