We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
