you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
