Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
