she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
