So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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