Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
