she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
