So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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