Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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