I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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