I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
