Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
