when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
