She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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