Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
