Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
