All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
