My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
