so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
