i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
