So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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