I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
