I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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