i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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