We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's just like the Real World with babies
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Couch. On fire.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
