I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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