even my farts smell like vagina
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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