i may or may not be watching the land before time
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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