oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
