He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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