So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
