peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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