Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
