If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
