Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
50% drunk capacity currently
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
