As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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