Just cropdusted the office
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Barsexuality is the new black.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
