My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
