Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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