It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
