I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
