Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So squirting runs in the family.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
