Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
