I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
