WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
