Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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